Notes To My Imaginary Friend
by MusicWriter
Summary: Things aren't going as planned in Nessie and Jake's relationship... leading to disastrous consequences... oh, did I mention the Volturi are involved? Post Breaking Dawn. Review and I'll get Chapters out faster!
1. Already In

**Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight. Stephenie Meyer created everything.**

**This story gets much more intense within four chapters, so please review and keep reading.**

_It's already in my mind_

_I'm in over my head inside_

_And it's already in my mind_

_Inside_

_Inside_

_Already In_

_- Jon McLaughlin_

*~*~*~*~*~*

RENESMEE CULLEN

"There it is. Out of the five bears we've seen, this is by far the biggest." I whispered in Jake's ear.

We were standing in the forests of Maine, about five miles from my family's new home. Jake had phased to go hunting with me, and we soon found that the wildlife here was nothing like in Forks. We just couldn't stay in Forks forever, that's what I kept telling myself. We'd been here for three months, and tomorrow we were going to visit Charlie and Billy. Now that we'd settled into our home, we'd probably be down there visiting every weekend, but it still wasn't the same. Our beautiful cottage had been left there in the woods of Forks, still fully furnished and holding all of our old clothes. Alice had insisted that we had to leave everything behind to get the "full affect" of the move. _She also said I had to wear a short silk dress to Sam and Emily's wedding. Look what that got me. Dad scared the heck out of Claire's older brother. Jake looked like he was about to have a panic attack when Emily's brother started hitting on me. Alice is _so_ insane._

Jake let out a wolfy chuckle, and I realized that my hand was still on his shoulder.

I yanked my hand off of his shoulder, startled. I hadn't known that he could hear that.

He rolled his eyes at that. It wasn't like I wasn't used to having people know my thoughts.

But was there a way that he couldn't sense the adoration and passion I felt when I thought his name? It had to be bothering him. He'd seen me grow up; he'd changed my diapers! There was no way that he could return my feelings. What would I do then? There was no way that I could simply move on with my life. At times I felt like I'd never have a partner, like Dad had Mom and Carlisle had Esme, I felt like the closest thing I'd ever have was Jake.

Yes, Jake had imprinted on me. At first, that knowledge had reassured me; given me hope. But soon after I overheard him talking with Seth about a girl, and all my hopes were crushed.

"It's killing me, Seth," I'd heard Jake say. "What if it never changes? I mean, she sees me as a friend now. What is the motivation to make her change her mind? I'm in so over my head, and she just…"

"Dude, I don't know much about girls, but if I know one thing, it's that they never do what you expect them to. Chill. She'll turn around eventually," Seth said in response.

Afterwards, I didn't hear anything about the girl again, he must've gotten over her, because he seemed perfectly happy these past couple months.

I, on the other hand, haven't, and having an uncle living in the same house as you who can sense emotions, and a dad who can read minds, really isn't helpful with the whole, "just keep it to yourself" thing.

"So, Jake, check this out," I said to Jake.

I walked out of the brush, purposely crunching the leaves and twigs on the forest floor to get the bear's attention. I acted tentative, as if the bear looked threatening to me. I glanced back at Jake, and he cocked his head to the side, one of his ears stuck up in the air like he was listening for something, and the other one hung limply. His eyes were wide open and his muzzle was twisted, his big wolf lips pressed together in a straight line. His brow was lifted, too. Altogether there were about ten conflicting emotions on his wolf face.

I bent over and clutched my side, gasping as I laughed.

My laughing echoed through the forest, frightening birds and causing small creatures to scatter. The bear, on the other hand, walked a few steps toward me.

"You should've seen your face," I said to Jake, chuckling as I turned away from him, and towards the good-sized black bear that was charging me.

These bears in Maine were quite small, and not as fun to hunt as the grizzlies back home, so I'd developed some tricks to make hunting them more fun. When I went hunting with Emmett, he almost died laughing. Of course, Emmett was the bear expert, so he also had a few suggestions. I had to admit, the small wildlife here really bugged me, but we tried to make the best of it. I was homesick for Forks, especially for Billy and Grandpa Charlie. I missed Sue a little too, which surprised me because we weren't very close. Grandpa Charlie and Sue had gotten married about a year after I was born. They didn't have a ceremony or anything, one day when Mom, Aunt Alice, Jake, and I went to visit him, and he nonchalantly said, fifteen minutes into our visit, that he and Sue had gotten married.

I never saw Grandma Renee; I only knew what she looked like from pictures from when Mom was human. I knew Bella missed her terribly, whenever her name was brought up, she'd purse her lips and furrow her brow, almost like she were trying not to shed tears that wouldn't come. I felt terrible for her, I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be separated from my mother for that long.

Of course, Mom wouldn't change it for the world. She'd repeated to me over and over how lucky she was to have such a great family, and to be able to spend eternity with them, but she had to admit, she missed her mother a lot.

I was snapped back to reality by something that felt like a hand softly running across my chest. I glanced up and realized that the bear was swiping at me viciously, making gaping holes in the jacket I had on.

I staggered back, pretending to be affected by the bear's blows, falling onto the ground and staring up at it with a fearful expression on my face.

The bear bent down to hit me again, observing that I wasn't dead yet. As the bear's neck came close to my face, I growled menacingly. The animal only had a chance to make a small confused sound before it's voice became gurgled and cut off, as I bit it's neck, sucking down the red liquid, quickly draining it's body.

I stood up, brushing the leaves off my back, and wiped the small drop of blood off my chin.

I turned to Jake, smiling happily.

"I love it when dinner's delivered." I cracked the lame joke, before asking, "What do you want to do now?"

Jake held out one huge paw, telling me to wait a minute. He took off further into the woods, and then I heard the familiar small puff of wind that indicated that he'd just phased back. I barely heard his footsteps as he walked back toward where I was standing, next to my drained bear carcass.

As soon as I saw him in human form, my depression returned full force. How could I ever get over him? He was so beautiful. His perfect face held so much innocence and love, no matter what mood he was in I could always find peace there. His smooth russet skin stretched over the perfect muscles of his chest and stomach. It hurt me how amazing he was. I used to call him "the prettiest boy on earth" when I was really little, but that didn't really seem to cover it now. His deep black eyes pierced into me, trying to figure out why I looked so tortured.

I wished I could talk to him, because when I talked to him about everything else, I felt better afterward. Jake was better at comforting than Jasper sometimes.

"Ness? Are you okay?" He asked worriedly. He put both of his hands on my face, making me look in his eyes.

I sighed. "I'm fine. Let's go home."

I was reluctant to suggest going home, because of how guarded I had to be there, but he was very observant, and I couldn't say no to him. He'd coax the truth out of me, and then be so upset he'd run away, and I'd rather be a little sad, than to be away from him. That would be the end of me.

He stared at me for a second longer, holding my face with his warm hands, and then dropped his hands from my face, trying to take one of my hands so we could run together.

I yanked my hand away from him, my eyes wide. I hadn't worked that hard to hide my thoughts from everyone to have it ruined by a stupid mistake on my part.

He looked away and I started running. He kept up with me, but I thought I saw a little bit of hurt in his eyes. We always ran hand in hand, and now all of a sudden, I refused to? I almost stopped, and took his hand in mine, but caught myself. I wasn't that good at controlling my thoughts with him.

"Sorry, Jake," I said as we approached the house. "I'd rather have my thoughts to myself today."

"'S'okay. I understand. You can talk to me anytime you want, you know."

Oh, how I wished that I could take him up on that.

"I'll be up in my room if you need me," I said, darting inside of the house.

I said hello to Mom, who was reasoning with Alice.

"Alice, do you really think designer clothes are the best choice for the wolves? I mean, you know their going to be tied to the ankle of a giant wolf. Exactly how long do you expect these things to last?"

I had already left the room when she said hello back to me, and a second later I was lying on my bed, with my ipod blasting Starlight by Muse into my ears.

I examined each aspect of the music meticulously, picturing each instrument's notes on sheet music, and what the sound waves might look like if I could see them in the air. I tried to figure out the meaning of the lyrics in my head, only to come to the conclusion that there wasn't a meaning.

I was almost to the end of the song, when Rosalie stepped into my room.

I ignored her for the most part, turning on another one of my favorite songs, but she reached over and yanked the headphones out of my ears, glaring at me with a determined look in her eyes.

"Okay Ness. Talk."

"What do you want me to talk about Rose?" I asked, trying to put a teasing smile on my face.

"Don't even try that. I can see right through it. I may be blonde, but, contrary to common belief, I am not a dumb blonde. Take _that_ mutt," Rosalie muttered to herself.

"Calm down Rose. I'm fine."

"Don't start that with me! You have everyone worried sick. Spill."

"They're worried about me? I can't imagine why," I said, trying to act oblivious.

"Stop it! You tell me right now Renesmee." Rosalie was really glaring at me now, her fists clenched. I knew she wasn't mad at me, she was just concerned, but dang. Rose sure can look scary.

"Don't worry, Rose. I don't know why I'm like this. It's probably just a phase I'm going through right now. I'll get over it."

"Nice try." _Darn it!_ "But I still know you aren't telling me. What happened to you? Did the mutt do something? That's it isn't it? Oh I swear I'm going to…"

"No Rose!" I cut her off. I had to defend Jake now, so I had to reveal a bit of the truth. "Jake hasn't done anything…" _No he hasn't._ I thought to myself. _But I really wish he would. _"And that's part of the problem. I am not going to say any more. Please, if you care about me, don't make me tell you any more. I'm fine; I'll get over it, end of story. You can go now."

Rosalie's angry expression was now gone, and the new expression was one of utter concern. It hurt me to see how worried I was making her. I'd thought that I'd been pulling off acting remotely normal lately, but apparently I hadn't fooled any of them.

I sighed, and said just loud enough so mom could hear it where she was standing in the other room, "Will you cover me?"

"Sure honey," she said from Alice's room. She seemed to know that I needed to be alone right now, and for that I was grateful.

I'd never gotten people who wrote "Dear Diary" in their journal entries, and I much preferred to write mine as a letter. When I'd heard the name mom had if I had been a boy, it stuck.

Although some just wrote to write, I preferred to write notes to my imaginary friend.

I took out my worn notebook, and flipped open to the next available page.

"_Dear E.J."_

"_The problem I told you about earlier with Jacob isn't getting any better. It seems like my behavior is bothering him though. In fact, the entire family saw through my attempts at fake happiness. I guess I'll just have to try harder."_

"_Well, I would, if that was possible."_

"_Today when I was talking to Rose, she made me realize what part of my problem with Jake is. He isn't doing anything. He can see I'm depressed; yet he won't push for me to tell him what's the matter. I know that it wouldn't make a difference, I still wouldn't tell him, but at least I would see that he cares that much."_

"_And yes, my wretched palms are still bugging me. I hadn't realized how much Jake and I hold hands until now. I'm constantly slipping up, showing him things that I don't want him to see."_

"_And you would think that my depression would get lighter with time, that I'd grow stronger because of it, but I am worse than ever before, and weaker, too."_

"_I guess I'm just going to have to get used to it if I want Jake to stick around."_

"_Opportunity cost."_

"_Till tomorrow," _

"_Ness"_

I sighed, as I closed my notebook, falling deeply asleep.


	2. Always On Your Side

**Disclaimer: The all-powerful one who has stolen all of our souls and controls our every thought owns these characters, not I! How dare thee!!!**

**And, no, I will not be posting a chapter every day, but I will post often, so watch your emails!  
**

_But is there someplace far away_

_Someplace where all is clear_

_Easy to start over_

_With the ones you hold so dear_

_Or are you left to wonder_

_All alone eternally_

_This isn't how it's really meant to be_

_No this isn't how it's really meant to be_

_Always On Your Side_

_-Sheryl Crow_

RENESMEE CULLEN

The forest zoomed past me at amazing speed, the trees twisting in every direction, creating the most beautiful tunnel of deep green and burnt orange leaves, the colors swirling and mixing with the light blue sky. The sun was out today, the white-bright rays of light streaming through the trees in an artistic way, making the brush beneath my speeding feet a bright green. I stopped when I was at the end of the tunnel, and there Jake was. He was standing there, his beautiful face bright and cheerful as ever, and I knew in my mind what I was going to say next.

_No! No! I can't say that, _I thought, and tried to come up with some other thing to say.

But I had no control over my actions. My depression had driven me to the end. The end of the tunnel. I had no place left to go. I definitely couldn't go _back._ I had to say it. Say the words that would drive him away. He deserved much better than me, but I still hoped – hoped until my heart hurt – that he would feel the same way about me.

"I love you," I said. The three simple words that could end my life.

He glared at me, and my stomach sunk to the ground with a feeling of rejection and heartbreak so strong I all but collapsed and sunk under the weight of it.

He opened his mouth and I memorized his face, concentrating on each detail, because surely this was goodbye. He'd stay for a few days, pack up his things, give me a cold farewell and be gone. I grasped onto those few days, and hoped that he would be able to smile at me again before he left, before everything ended, so that I could have a happy face to think of while I died. That would be it, though. I would have to die then. I'd go threaten the Volturi, or as a favor of some of my less civilized friends. If need be, I'd end myself.

I looked at him, and put a hand to my overheating face. I realized that I was sobbing uncontrollably at his hateful glare. Jake had never looked at me like that before. It hurt unbelievably badly.

I looked at him, and he shut his mouth that had been hanging open. My heart sunk again, lower this time. I'd been hoping he'd say something to me, that maybe I'd misinterpreted his look, but he continued to glare at me, even more hateful than before. I stepped towards him, my palm up, trying to show him that it was okay if he didn't feel the same way…

And then he was gone.

Like a bullet he shot down the tunnel I'd come through, running faster than I'd ever seen him before. The leaves were kicked up around me, so for a moment everything was dark. They'd made a blanket over my head, and it looked like midnight.

The leaves fell then, crumbling and being blown away, and I was suddenly freezing. I looked to see the tunnel, so I might find Jake, but it had been overgrown by trees. All of the trees were dead, colorless, and distorted in the most ugly way, their stems twisting around one another's like bars, holding me captive.

The end.

Despite the freezing temperature, my back felt uncomfortably warm, almost painfully so. I turned around, only to find that the trees behind me were on fire. The white-hot flames flickered aimlessly around the dry brush, burning it almost instantly.

And then I saw it. A shattering scream met my ears, one I recognized as my own. I walked hesitantly toward the fire, to see who was burning, and I felt like diving in, because I was sure it would be Jake.

But, to my surprise, the body was not his.

It was mine.

_Ring, ring!_ My alarm clock rang, waking me up from my strange dream. I was lying fully dressed, having fallen asleep without changing into my nightgown. I rarely did anymore. It didn't matter. When I woke up, my heart was racing faster than usual, and I was covered in sweat. It was only when I saw my family hovering over me that I realized I'd been sobbing.

"Not sobbing, screaming is more like it," my dad said.

I froze, realizing that my father had just seen everything I had.

"Don't worry, your mother only just uncovered you," he reassured me.

They all had a hand on me, rubbing or patting me, trying to soothe me. So that's why my front had been cold in my dream.

"It's okay, just a bad dream," I murmured, out of breath.

"Jeez, kid, you scared us silly," Emmett, said with a sigh, standing up and putting his hand on Rose.

"Are you all right Renesmee? Are you feeling sick?" Carlisle asked, checking my pulse. He looked quite concerned, his skin puckering between his eyebrows, his eyes filled with pain.

"I'm fine. It was just a dream. It was just a dream," I repeated, more for my benefit than his

Jazz sent me waves of calm, and I could feel them, but they couldn't calm me in the slightest, just numbing my brain, making it difficult to think clearly.

"Jazz, I'm already sleepy enough, can you stop it?" I asked.

He nodded, but as soon as the calm stopped coming I felt even more heartbroken than before. I hadn't known that was possible.

Rose was biting her lip, as if she were trying not to cry, as was Mom. They were very worried about me, and that wasn't right. It was my choice for it to be this way. They shouldn't have to suffer for it.

"Mom… would you…" I started. I felt very bad for always having her shield me, but she assured me that it wasn't difficult for her, that if it made me more comfortable, that she'd do it all the time. She told me she was glad to do it, but I still felt awful asking.

"Of course honey," she said sweetly.

Just as mom covered me, Jacob ran into the room, gasping and panicked. I winced at the sight of him, but was glad to see something other than that glare on his face.

"I was out running and I heard Ness scream, what's going on?"

"I'm fine," I said, trying to calm him down. He was shaking like crazy, and breathing so hard I thought his lungs might burst. It was all I could do not to hope because of that, and I started to feel a little bit better with his presence.

"Okay," I said, starting to calm down a little bit. "Everybody can go now. My room isn't meant for holding this many people, and I'm calm now. Sorry. I was just really freaked out by my dream." I hated causing my family pain.

They filed out, after asking repeatedly if I was sure I was okay. I'd answer yes, but the truth was I didn't know. I mean, my dream was destined to be reality. One of these days, I'd crack and tell him the three forbidden words, and he'd most likely not feel the same way. I mean, really. _I'm awkward, overemotional, and I don't have a hundredth of my parent's beauty. And he's… beyond words._

I glanced up to see that one person had stayed in my room. Jacob stood two feet away from me, his eyes full of concern. One hand reached towards me, as if he wanted to comfort me.

_This. _This was one of those situations where what Jacob didn't do bothered me, and led me to this conclusion. He reached out as though he was _supposed_ to comfort me, but pulled back because he didn't _want _to.

"Ness, are you sure you're okay? You sounded pretty panicked," he said as he sat down next to me. I suddenly felt unusually warm.

_No. No I'm not. I love you can't you _see **that**_??? Why don't you see it? _

I remembered the dream, and I felt like someone was punching my stomach as he sped off in my mind, over and over and over again, like someone was pressing rewind and play repeatedly in my head, just to hurt me.

Jake's eyes narrowed at me, filled with surprise and remorse. His mouth opened, just like in the dream. I looked down, embarrassed at how he was staring at me, just to see my hand linked in his.

"No!" I yelled, standing up and yanking my hand away, tears filling my eyes. I'd been so good! I'd been so good at hiding! And there it was, the stupid mistake that would end my life. The tears in my eyes spilled over, soaking my face.

"Ness! Ness, calm down."

I didn't listen to him. I covered my face in my hands. "No! No! I can't believe I… so stupid!" I managed to get out in-between sobs.

"Renesmee Cullen, look at me," Jake said. I slightly detected his Alpha voice somewhere under all of his concern.

I moved my hands away from my face, but sat down beside him, looking away.

I felt his warm hands on my face, turning my face towards him, forcing me to look in his eyes. He stroked the tears off my face, and I felt the moment was very intimate, until I caught myself, and realized that he'd done the same thing when I'd cried as a little kid.

But as I saw a hint of passion in his eyes, I realized that I might have a reason to hope.

I'd always thought there was a slim chance of this, him feeling the same way, but I had never allowed myself to hope. Even now I shied away from the hope. Hope made you vulnerable, the more you hoped, the more you hurt if they rejected you. But now, as he leaned forward so our faces were closer, it felt like he wanted me, like he wanted to be close to me, like I was loved. For the first time in a long time, my heart didn't hurt.

"I'm not going anywhere," he stated firmly, passionately. His voice had a tone of finality in it, like it was all he was going to say.

I realized, as rejection washed through me, that it _was_ all he was going to say.

He'd stick around, but he didn't love me. I'd have to see him fall for someone else, get married to them, maybe even have kids! He didn't love me. He didn't say I love you back.

It was better than him leaving me, but it still hurt. The rejection burned a hole in my stomach, and I became nauseous. I felt all the blood leave my face, and my eyes pricked.

Before I could cry, I indifferently said, "Good to know," then sped out of the room. "I'll be back later," I shouted as I sped from the house, bringing only my diary.

I'd be back much, _much_ later.

I had to get away, I couldn't stay here any longer, I had to deal with the sting of his rejection away from my family. They'd already hurt enough because of me. I couldn't put them through that.

I sped through the forest outside our house, moving toward the shed, because I knew no one was in there. I ripped a page out of my diary that hadn't been used yet, and started writing as fast as I could. I couldn't face Jake, and he'd soon come looking for me, so I had to hurry.

"I'm very upset right now, please don't let anyone follow me, Rose. I want to be alone. I'll only be gone for four days, and I'll call tomorrow. It's not your fault, and it's not Jake's either. Please be nice to him. If you can. See you soon,"

"Ness"

I left the note in Rosalie's toolbox, but then reconsidered. What if she didn't come in the garage for a while, and Jake found this first? I thought fast. I opened the door of her car, and honked the horn. That ought to get her attention. She loved her car.

I took a deep breath, allowing myself to be calm for a second, and then took off like a bullet through the trees.

I was still in the pants I wore yesterday, so I had my wallet in my pocket. I had more than enough to pay for transportation. Rosalie would tell them I didn't want to be followed, and I was Jake's imprint right? He'd do whatever I needed him to do. So now, if I needed him to stay home, he'd stay home, right?

If only it could influence emotions, then I wouldn't be having this problem.

His words still hurt me, though they were supposed to be comforting. If only I hadn't let myself hope. I'd expected him to say "I love you" so his words had hurt me. If I hadn't been silly, what he'd said would make me feel better, a reassurance he wouldn't leave.

But he would eventually reject me, and it's much better to face it now, than when he tells me he's engaged, or introduces me to his girlfriend.

I shuddered and my stomach dropped to my feet as I thought those words. His girlfriend. I'd eventually have to watch him fall in love, and he'd marry her, they'd have kids, he'd stop phasing, start aging for her, and then he'd die. I'd have to watch Jake grow old and die.

My pain turned into rage as I pictured his future wife's face in my mind. She'd be pretty, not plain, maybe even prettier than me. I'd bet she'd be Indian, too. Maybe even Quiluete. And it would kill me, slowly and painfully, because she wouldn't be worthy of him, but she'd definitely be more worthy of him than me.

I slowed to a human-paced run as I approached town, people stared at me but I didn't care. I had to get away. I had to get home.

I had plenty of clothing and shelter at my cottage in Forks. I'd stay there for a few days, visit Charlie and Billy, and maybe even Tanya's coven up in Alaska. Anything to just get away.

I walked into the airport quickly, stepping up to the front desk.

"Hello, how can I help you?" the lady said, her voice was nasally and very distracting, for which I was strangely grateful. It gave me something else to think about.

"When does the next flight to Seattle leave?" I asked.

"The ramp closes in five minutes, but we don't sell tickets this last minute. I'm terribly…"

I pulled a wad of cash out of my pocket and slipped it into her hand.

She gazed at it, wide-eyed for a second, and then flipped a few papers she had over, reading something.

"There's an extra seat in first class, but we'll have to put your luggage on a later plane…"

"I don't have any luggage," I said quickly, cutting her off.

"You'd better hurry…"

I was already gone.

I had to slow when I was in sight of the plane. I found my seat and finally went numb, completely brain-dead until we had taken off.

He'd rejected me. He didn't want me. This meant I would never have a mate. I would never get married and live with my family happily ever after like I'd always thought as a little kid. I'd be the bitter single amongst my happy family. The only one who felt alone.

I opened my diary up, pulling my knees up to prop it close to my face so the person next to me couldn't see.

"Dear E.J."

"I feel so rejected, so hurt. I couldn't put them through that."

"Yes, I gave in and told him, yes, he didn't feel the same way, and yes, I plan to not come home until I am over this. You should've seen their faces. I will not cause them pain like that again. I refuse to. I'd sooner end my own life."

"Ness."

I closed my book, and stared out of the window, wondering how I was to go about this impossible task of healing.

**Don't hate me please, and if you want more answers and more drama (and me to post chapters often) then review! You guys were awesome and gave me a review, so I was awesome and gave you a chapter! See how that works out? Pure awesomeness!**


	3. Sattelite Heart

**Disclaimer: No, no, no, no, no! I do not, and never will, own Twilight. Duh.**

_I'm a satellite heart_

_Lost in the dark_

_I'm spun out so far_

_You stop I start_

_But I'll be true to you_

_Satellite Heart_

_-Anya Marina_

NESSIE CULLEN

"You okay, kid? I've never seen you this quiet before," Grandpa Charlie said, his fingers absently pulling at his curly gray hair.

Usually Grandpa didn't talk to anyone about feelings. It was his awkward subject for sure, but he always let his guard down around me. The first time I'd been left alone with him I was amazed. I hadn't thought Charlie was that talkative. Maybe it was because he hadn't felt at ease with someone for a while. Maybe it was because we thought alike.

I look a lot like Grandpa Charlie, I got my curly hair from him, and we had the same habits. As I thought of that I dropped my hand from my hair, noticing that I'd been pulling at mine also.

"I'm fine, why?" I lied, trying to keep my tone light. Judging by the "I'm not that stupid" look on his face, I didn't fool him one bit.

"Come here and show me," he said, holding his hand up.

Grandpa Charlie knew pretty much everything about the world of vampires and werewolves now, though at first he'd been too shocked to willingly learn anything else. But, he's a very observant person, despite his normal thoughts. Dad thinks that Grandpa is part shield, and that dad only hears the things that Grandpa doesn't want to hide. So one day when he walked into the house for the game, chatting with Emmett, and off-handedly said, "Oh, you're vampires aren't you?" Dad's jaw hit the floor. Charlie'd started out at asking about imprinting, and then built gradually until we finally told him about the Volturi. Now, I was pretty sure he knew a little bit _more_ about my world than I did.

"Come on, show me what's got you all upset," he said, his voice more comforting this time, less like a demand, more like an "I'm here to help" type thing.

I debated telling him that I was just homesick, but I knew he'd see right through me. Could I control my thoughts about Jake? I didn't think so.

But, Grandpa Charlie had spent years still in love with Renee, he ought to be able to understand slightly, although I got the feeling that the connection between Jacob and I was stronger than even I knew, so he probably wouldn't understand fully.

I sighed, giving up, walking to sit on his tiny couch next to him, and held his hand, going through the past few months in my head.

The beginning was monotonous. Day after day of secrecy and depression, trying to keep from making that inevitable mistake. When I got to the nightmare, Charlie's expression became a cross between sympathy and terror. That did not cause me to skip the burning part of my dream. I felt like he _needed_ to know just how much I depended on Jake.

Thinking about Jacob's rejection was almost worse than living through it, because now I had time to think through all the reasons he wouldn't want me.

The sobs broke free, all my self-hatred and longing showing it's face. My sobs were tight and controlled, though, my chest and stomach locked tight, encasing the terror of being away from Jake that I couldn't let show right now. I couldn't lose it in front of Charlie.

Charlie put my hand back in my lap, and glared at me.

"You don't think like that. Guys are stupid, they mess up, and I happen to know for a fact that Jacob feels the same way about you. He imprinted on you, remember?"

I put my hand back in Charlie's, showing him the conversation I'd overheard Jake having with Seth. My lip started trembling as I remembered the look of passion on Jake's face as he spoke of the girl. He'd clearly worshipped the ground she walked on. Envy burned in me, fueling my hopelessness. I felt tightly wound, as if at any moment I could snap and have an episode.

"You should go home, Nessie. Go home tomorrow, please. I know it will be hard for you, but you can't put them through that," Charlie said. He was very worried about me.

He shouldn't have a reason too, though. _Either I'm with Jake or I die_, those were the options. I only needed one more day to pull myself together before I went home, I'd just go to La Push and to Alaska, then catch a plane home from there.

For the rest of the visit I was very careful, smiling when necessary, and trying to laugh when he said something funny, but I felt strangely hollow, like I'd left myself at home, and this was just depressed Ness.

Either that, or happy Ness just didn't exist anymore.

I tried very hard not to let Charlie see the depth of my pain, how deep I was cut with the thought of having to watch Jake with someone else, and how serious my depression really was. Charlie shouldn't have to worry like that. No one should.

I made Charlie lunch, visiting with him until early afternoon. I only had two more days until I had to start making my way back home; I was going to make them count.

After I'd said goodbye to Charlie and assured him that I was going to go home when I'd promised I would, I headed for La Push. Talking to Charlie had helped me, but I could be angry around Billy and he was used to it. Billy was more like a friend than Charlie, an old, father-like friend.

I sped through the woods at a slow speed for me, the tight feeling inside growing more and more intense, all of my muscles clenching, holding in the pain. I didn't pay attention to time passing, just watched the blur of green as I ran through the forests.

As soon as I stepped across the boundary line into La Push, the smell of werewolf, salt water, and old houses greeted me, and my face contorted in pain.. I'd spent most of my childhood here in La Push, hanging out with Jacob and the rest of the wolves, and now I was back. Without Jake. I felt the tension inside grow worse at that, as if it were a rubber band being stretched thinner and thinner.

"Ness!" I heard a familiar voice shout.

"Seth!" I exclaimed. "How did you know I was coming here?" I hugged him as he chuckled.

"Charlie told me to wait for you here… he also explained your… um… situation…" Seth seemed really awkward about saying that.

"He's such an old tattletale, I swear he is so going to get it next time…"

"Don't be mad at him, he just wants to help. You see, you don't fool anyone," Seth said as we walked at a human pace towards Billy's.

"_Don't fool anyone"? What does that mean?_ I gazed at Seth curiously, my question obvious in my eyes. What did he think I was trying to fool people about?

"He sees how much your suffering, and I can too. You really suck at acting, Nessie. Just like your mom."

"But what does that have to do with him calling you to meet me here?" I was thoroughly confused now. Why would Grandpa Charlie send Seth to meet me at the boundary line? I knew where I was going.

"He wanted to make sure… you're such a mess… he wanted to make sure you weren't lying to him about seeing Billy… so he wouldn't be suspicious… he thought maybe you were trying to… ah…go cliff diving, if you know what I mean. We can't let you do that. Do you have any idea what that would do to your family? To us? And worse of all, to Jake?" _Jake,_ his name took the tightly wound feeling and pulled it tighter, and then abruptly it snapped, sending the torment through my body that I'd been trying to avoid.

"Seth…" I said, my face full of the pain that had been covered before. The raw hurt was almost more than I could bear. In fact, I had thought about going to visit the Volturi if it didn't get any easier, but I had no intention to _now._ When Jake started a family though…

I shuddered and my legs collapsed beneath me. The picture was so vivid, so alive. It killed me, cut me to the core. Jacob with a beautiful woman, his face no longer full of youthful innocence, but wisdom, and her face full of glee, her body swollen with their child; with _his _child. It hurt so much to even think about her giving him that, the birth of a normal child, something I could never give him.

I thought about seeing him kiss her, hug her, hearing Emmett's suggestive comments, and Rose's disgust, seeing her bright face as she showed off her wedding ring, going to their wedding: _his _wedding. Of course, to a point I had to be happy for them, happy to see him happy, but probably only barely enough to keep me from killing her.

I'd lost my best friend, _my _Jacob. He was gone. He'd never look at me the same way again. Maybe he'd be disgusted with me for being in love with him this entire time, think I was a creep.

Going to his house, seeing his lucky wife caring for his kids, seeing them grow, and my stomach dropping each time I saw them together, wishing that he was mine. Seeing them grow old together, seeing his kids move out, all that time staying the same. One day walking through his front door and spotting a grey hair on his head, and then another, and another, until his whole head was grey.

I thought about seeing wrinkle after wrinkle appear on his face, watching him get weaker and weaker. I'd have to be so careful not to break him.

The silent tears and shaking stopped, bringing on hysteria, as the next image popped into mind. Jacob's face peaceful, his eyes closed, his old withered body laid down in a coffin. I watched in my head with pure terror as they lowered him into the ground.

The next thing I saw was the Volturi, their bright red eyes fixated on me. I was in the middle of a busy street, letting the cars hit me, letting them see I was unharmed. I saw Felix run to me, grab my head, twist my neck in the most painful way…

And then my vision went black.

"Nessie! Nessie wake up, wake up!" Billy's deep voice yelled at me.

My eyelids flew open, just to see that I was lying on Jacob's old bed, in his room. His smell was comforting, but also brought back the memories of his rejection, and the tears started streaming down my face, my throat became tight.

I sat up, looking at Billy who was in his wheelchair right next to me. Seth was behind him. _I must've passed out, and Seth carried me here._

"Hi Billy," I said weakly.

To say that he was tense for the rest of my visit was an understatement. He too tried like everyone else to convince me that Jacob was in love with me too, but if I was going to believe it, it had to come straight from Jake's mouth. I wasn't going to let myself hope just to be hurt worse than I already was. I knew it seemed dense to not let myself consider that he loved me, but I couldn't let myself hope again, because if his answer was no, I don't think I'd be able to survive it.

Billy was genuinely concerned about me, carefully watching me to make sure he could stop me if I started to freak out again. I doubted he could, but wouldn't tell him that. That would just make him that much more worried. He told me Jake had called him, asking if I was there in Forks, if he'd seen me. He'd told Jake the truth, but also told him not to come here, that I was a smart girl, and that I just needed some time to sort things out. For that I thanked Billy profusely. I missed Jacob so bad I was almost going insane, but if I went home now, I wouldn't be able to control myself. I'd be a mess. If Jake said yes, I'd be fine, but if he said no. I shuddered. Having him stick around if he didn't love me back, was now looking almost as bad as him going away.

I couldn't stay there for long, it held to many memories of Jake and me, so I stood up, walking out of Billy's and turning to run north. I planned on running without a break until I hit Denali. I wanted to see how Tanya was doing.

"Stop right there, leech," Leah growled. I was startled. She rarely called me names, and when she did Jacob threatened to rip her head off. She was obviously mad at me, for some reason I didn't know. Usually Leah and I got along.

"What's wrong Leah?"

"Oh don't you act all innocent like you don't _know_ what's up. I ought to kill you for leaving Jake without a word like that. Isn't it funny that as soon as he said he wasn't going anywhere, you took off? How do you think that makes him FEEL! He had to go wolf to deal with it! Do you care about anyone but yourself!! I swear I'm going to rip your head off you little monster! I knew from the beginning you were all wrong from him!"

As Leah continued to rant and threaten me, I felt myself snap again. I tried to hold myself together, but I couldn't catch it soon enough. My knees became weak, and I collapsed again, this time with my face buried in the brush, sobbing and shaking.

I'd put _Jacob_ in _pain._ Leah was right I was a monster! Putting Jacob through that was horrible. If I hadn't been fully intent on going home as soon as I'd said hi to the Denali's, I was now. How could I do that! I hadn't realized that I'd hurt Jacob like that…

I heard Seth yell.

"Leah! Why did you do that! Isn't she suffering enough already!"

"SHE'S suffering? What about Jacob? Have you phased lately!"

"Yes, I have, in fact, but you have no idea what she's going…"

" I have NO IDEA???"

"Yes, LEAH. You have no idea! You should've seen her this mor…"

"Shut up! Just shut up!" Leah cut him off angrily, shaking. "I'm going to kill you," she said to me. "I swear I'm going to kill you!"

As I lifted myself up on my hands, flipping myself over so I was sitting down facing her, she lost control and phased, clothes flying everywhere, growling and charging me.

I didn't care, my sobbing didn't stop, and Seth phased to protect me.

And then, as fast as the chaos had started, it stopped.

Leah collapsed, her legs folding beneath her, and he head on the ground, not in shame, but in obedience. Forced obedience. She stared right at me as I sobbed, the hysterics catching up with me. I forced myself to stop as soon as I realized what was happening.

Jake was phased. Jake had forced Leah to stop attacking me. Jake was staring right at me through Leah's eyes.

I gazed at Leah for a minute, choking back my sobs and wiping off my eyes.

"I'll be back home tomorrow night, I'm just going to run and say hi to Tanya," I said.

And then I took off as fast as I could, fleeing Leah's accusing glare.

I sped north, running faster than I thought possible as the night dimmed. I didn't need to sleep tonight. I'd done that yesterday. I kicked up the leaves in my path, reminding me of the blanket of leaves in my dream. Everything reminded me of him, running, walking, sleeping, because I'd never done anything without him. He was always with me. No matter what I did, I wouldn't go without him.

I ran through the night, my sleepiness not slowing me down, because I knew if I slept in this dark forest, I'd have the dream again for sure. After a while, adrenaline pumped through my veins, allowing my eyelids to open all the way. Thoughts of Jake and I running haunted me, making the tightness in my chest return full force. I ran constantly as fast as I could until morning came.

I was at their house, knocking on their front door by five o'clock, but surprisingly no one answered. I figured they were out hunting, but we were family, so I just walked in.

My stomach bothered me the minute I walked in. Something was wrong with their house. It didn't seem right. I explored their rooms, trying to find what was out of place.

I didn't find anything, so I came to the conclusion that being away from Jake was driving me mad.

It sounded reasonable enough.

I didn't know why everyone thought Jake was in love with me, it didn't make sense. If he felt the way I did, he would've told me. It would've been obvious. I couldn't believe that I'd put Jake through pain because he didn't love me the way I wanted to. I didn't do it on purpose, but still, he couldn't help it that he didn't want me like that. I should've known better. He may've not been in love with me, but I was his imprint.

I took a deep breath, about to sigh, when I figured out what was wrong.

Their house didn't smell only of them.

The scent of the other vampires brought a few names into my mind, and I was terrified as I realized whose scent it was.

Jane, Alec, Felix, and Demetri.

The Volturi had been here, and the Denali's were gone.

**Uh-oh! The Volturi! Dun, dun, dun! Sorry about the whole "Nessie's oblivious" thing, it will end soon, keep reading!!**


	4. Say

Even if your hands are shaking

_And your faith is broken_

_Even if your eyes are closing_

_Do it with a heart wide-open_

_Say what you need to say_

_Say_

_-John Mayer_

RENESMEE CULLEN

"Jane, Felix, Demetri!" I said, trying to smile and make my words sound like a happy greeting. Tanya, Kate, Garret, Eleazar, and Carmen stood in front of them in the murky forest, wide-eyed, and poor Carmen looked like she would be on the verge of tears if it were possible. I wondered why, but that couldn't hold my attention for long with the Volturi standing there. I was suddenly cradled in Carmen's arms as she held me possessively to her chest. I heard a muted growl from Garret. I gathered that they were less than comfortable seeing me that close to the Volturi, what with the fact that they'd tried to kill me but five years ago.

I'd traced their scents here, to a clearing a few miles north of their house. They were very concerned with how happily I'd greeted the ominous cloaked figures. They didn't know that I saw the danger.

"Guys it's okay, so there was a misunderstanding five years ago. I'm sure they aren't going to just nonchalantly rip my head off for something so distant." I laughed, making the statement sound like a joke, hoping they'd hear the reassurance in my tone. Yes, I was on my guard.

The confrontation with the Volturi wasn't distant to me; my advanced brain remembered it so clearly that it could have been yesterday. I turned around, pulling myself out of Carmen's grip so that I could give them all a look. "Play it cool" the look said. They each relaxed out of their defensive positions, mumbling their greetings to me.

"I'm glad you came to visit Renesmee," Demetri said, stepping towards me until he was a little more than a foot away.

I had to admit, the significance in his tone and his sudden closeness scared me. Carmen hissed through her teeth pulling me towards her until I was cradled in her arms again.

"No need to be alarmed, I do not wish to harm the child, but I would like to talk to her. I have not held a civilized conversation with one of her kind before, and I know Aro would like to see how she's doing."

Demetri seemed sincere in his words, he really seemed curious. But, I saw the slight widening of his eyes when he said this, and I could tell he was lying for some reason.

"Take a walk with me?" he said, and his eyes widened even more.

Although my stomach dropped to my feet at the thought of being alone with him, I really didn't believe I had a choice. The Volturi were a powerful group. They got what they desired.

I nodded, working to keep my face smooth. I could show none of my disgust for the Volturi now, if I treasured my family's life. We already posed enough of a threat, if we struck out with them again, we'd surely be annihilated. My fear caused my palms to sweat and I sweetly declined his hand when he offered it to me. I couldn't control myself that well. If my showing my disgust wouldn't kill my family, my betraying palms would.

Demetri started to run as soon as we were a few feet away from the others, leading me in a weaving path through the forest. We sped deeper and deeper into the forest at lightning speed, expertly dodging every obstacle, running so fast that to human eyes, it would appear as if we were flying.

As Demetri started to slow, I realized what a mistake I'd made. Demetri was the _tracker_. He could tell where everyone was, which meant if this was a trap, I couldn't hide my calling for help. He'd see someone was coming and force me further away. He also had Jane and Alec close by, so I couldn't possibly escape by force. I was trapped, I only hoped he really wanted to talk to me, like he'd said.

He'd come to a full stop now and turned around to face me. I braced myself for what could possibly happen next. He could kill me now. Alice couldn't see it, I was way too far away for dad to hear my thoughts, and according to Jake, I'd be home this evening. If I died right now, no one would know anything was wrong. I just wouldn't return home on time, then they'd receive a tear-filled phone call from the Denali's, no doubt telling them the complete and utter truth, that Demetri had killed me while they were held hostage by Jane, Alec, and Felix. Then my family and all the werewolves would go out seeking to avenge my death, and they'd all end up being killed, too.

_Crap._

But when I looked up and met his eyes, his face wasn't full of bloodlust or fake regret like I'd expected. He seemed very businesslike now, with only the slight smugness - that radiated off all the members of the Volturi - polluting it.

"Renesmee, I'm very glad you came here, it saves us a trip. We had orders from Aro that we were to in some way get this information to you. Thank you, we were growing a little homesick. Now we can catch a flight back to Italy as soon as this is taken care of."

Demetri reached into his coat, and pulled out a small envelope with a red wax seal on it. He popped the seal open, unfolding the paper briskly.

He opened his mouth, apparently he was going to read the message out loud to me. He mimicked Aro's voice perfectly, and I choked back a gasp.

"_Dearest Renesmee,_

_Do not be alarmed, but this message is quite urgent._

_You see, we have recently been informed that numerous clans all over the world are now breeding with humans. Our problem is that we do not know anything about your curious kind, so we have no idea how to deal with you. _

_The only logical answer to my problem I could think of was to study one of the half-breeds, get to know them. I searched for Nahuel's sisters, but they are not as civilized as you._

_I would like to invite you to Volterra, just to stay for a few days. You will be treated as an honored guest._

_It would be best if you did not inform your family of where you are going, I'm afraid they haven't quite forgiven us for that little misunderstanding a few years ago. _

_I look forward to seeing you soon, Renesmee."_

"Or else," Demetri hissed, using his regular voice again.

I believe my mouth was hanging open at that moment, but I can't be sure, because I couldn't feel anything. It was like every nerve ending in my body was dead. I felt like I'd grown roots, like my skin was made of steel. I couldn't move. I couldn't even blink.

Aro wanted me to _what??_ The key word here was Aro. I had no way to refuse, but I _had _to be home. I'd been gone for the past few days and it'd been torture for everyone. I wanted to get home, no, I _needed_ to get home _tonight._

What the Volturi proposed didn't seem that bad. I'd only stay there for a few days; I'd been gone for three days now, hadn't I? It wouldn't seem like anything out of the ordinary, and when I got home I'd just have to have mom cover me for a little while, until I'd calmed down about the whole thing; Dad would be fine as long as they hadn't hurt me, it was foolproof.

Unless, of course, the whole thing was a ruse to get me into Volturi, so they could bait my family.

I deliberated.

I finally realized I'd been in the same pose of horror and shock for almost two minutes now. I straightened up quickly, drawing my mouth closed. I put on my most innocent look and started talking to Demetri in a sweet voice.

"Demetri, I'm having some problems at home. I'm here because – well actually- I guess I ran away." Funny, I hadn't thought about it that way before. "May I please have some time with my family before I come to Volterra? You know, to patch things up. I swear, I'll have my mom cover me with her shield so my father can't hear what I'm thinking. I won't tell them, and I won't try to weasel out of my visit. I just want some time with them."

Demetri seemed to consider that for a moment, he seemed pleased with the respectful way I had spoken with him, and I hoped that would buy me some more time. I was extremely relieved that he was thinking about it. I had been expecting an outright no.

"I give you a week. But if you are not in Volterra in ten days, we'll come here to get you."

Seven days. Never had a week seemed shorter to me.

"Thank you, Demetri," I said, nodding. We shook hands, and our deal was closed.

And all of a sudden, I couldn't wait to get home.

I zoomed back to where The Denali clan was standing, racing back as fast as my body would allow. I couldn't stand this anymore. I needed to get home. I didn't waste any time dodging the limbs of the trees in my path. I ripped them off.

I had to get home to my family while I could.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Some of the pain in my chest went away when I dialed the familiar number, knowing I'd hear his voice soon.

Part of it had gone away when I realized I was five minutes from home.

After the deal closed with Demetri, I had been in a constant frenzy to get home. I barely said hi to the Denali's before I ran off.

"Hello?" A beautiful, groggy voice said from the other line.

"Jake?" I said warily, my voice sounded strange and small to me.

"Nessie?" He sounded wide awake now, his voice crystal clear as he shouted in confusion and exultation.

"Um, I'm taking the trail home, running. I'll be home in three minutes."

"I'll meet you halfway." I could hear the door slam as he walked out of the house.

"Okay, see you," I said, purposely not saying goodbye. No goodbye. I would never say goodbye to him again.

"I love you, Ness," he said, his voice low and meaningful.

"_I_ love _you_, Jake," I stated, choking up as I snapped the phone shut.

I had run faster in this twenty-four hour period than I had ever before; running to the Denali's, running with Demetri from the Denali's, and running to the airport from the Denali's, but I swear I had never, _ever_ run this fast. I wouldn't have thought it possible.

I ran the familiar path with my eyes closed, trying to will my legs to move faster, frantically jumping logs, the forest flying past me with intense speed.

I picked up his scent and changed courses, smiling at the smell. The sting of rejection was still there when I thought of seeing him again, but it wasn't worth staying away. I had to be near him. For some reason it felt like I'd been gone for months instead of a few days.

I opened my eyes and immediately recognized the path he had taken; it led me to the perfect spot.

We'd found it when we first moved here; a beautiful towering tree covered in green moss in a little clearing. During the day the sun filtered down perfectly through the break in the trees, making the spot seem to glow.

The only thing that made it more beautiful right now was Jacob standing in the middle of it. I couldn't see his face; he was looking at the ground, his thumbs stuck in his jean pockets, shirtless. He hadn't noticed me until I'd gasped when I saw him.

"Ness…" Did I imagine the breathless, relieved way he said my name? The way his stiff stance melted as his hands unknowingly reached towards me?

I stood there for a while, my pain resurfacing from a few days ago, awful and fresh. My breathing hitched at that, my eyes burning. I feverishly blinked back the tears that threatened to come; I'd hurt Jake, it wasn't right to come back to him, crying about something that wasn't his fault. I should be comforting him.

So that's what I did.

"Jake, I'm so sorry." I walked up to him, putting my arms around him.

He crushed me tight against him, wrapping his arms around me, holding me more securely than iron chains. I liked the way that felt, him pulling me closer. That was another one of those things I had to ignore. I couldn't hope again; that was what had made me go away in the first place, and that had hurt Jake.

He laid his cheek on my head, and I felt warm drops of moisture hit my hair.

"Jake… are you crying?" I looked up at his face, to see tears rolling down his face.

He chuckled, and the sound made my heart warm. "Are _you_ crying?" He reached down and touched my cheek, pulled his finger back, and showed me the tear there.

I hadn't realized that the tears I'd tried so hard to reign in had spilled over, and I looked down in embarrassment.

I couldn't seem to make myself meet Jake's eyes no matter how hard I tried. He shouldn't see the pain there, the dread. He'd feel bad, and think it was his fault.

It wasn't his fault. It was never his fault. He was perfect in my book. To me, he had no faults.

He hugged me tightly again, and I laid my face against his chest.

"Nessie, please, don't _ever _leave me again. That was torture." His voice was raw and pained.

I stiffened in his arms, as still as a statue. I couldn't agree to that, I couldn't make any promises. That would only make it worse. It would only hurt him more when I had to leave.

I heard his intake of breath as he felt my reaction to his words, and he pulled away from me, looking in my eyes. His face held immense hurt and dread, and his question was obvious.

Why would you hurt me like this again?

_Yes? Why would you? You're a monster! Cruel! Cruel! How could you! _An angry part of me asked myself.

But how could I not? How could I sit back and let the Volturi kill my family so I could have a little over a week of my happily ever after?

Either way I'd still be the monster in the situation, the one causing the pain.

"Ness, why?" he asked pleadingly, pulling me back to the present.

I put my hand in his, carefully watching what I thought about.

I thought through those months of meticulous hiding, how broken I'd felt at the end of the day.

I mainly focused on how much I loved him, how he always said exactly what I wouldn't expect him to say, and exactly what would make me feel better. I thought about the longing I felt when looking at couples like Emily and Sam, or Mom and Dad. How they were always perfectly in sync, and never had to be alone. I thought about how much I longed for something like that; and was brokenhearted that I couldn't have it.

I thought about the nightmare, thought through the entire thing, how I'd burned.

I showed him how I'd felt when I was away; the talk with Charlie, how I'd broken down with Seth, and the confrontation with Leah.

She'd called me a little monster. She had no idea how right she was.

I showed Jake what I dreaded most last, him falling in love, getting married, having kids, growing old. He'd stay with me? Sure. Was that a comfort to me? I wasn't so sure anymore.

I finally pulled my had away, my head down, and tried to walk away.

He held my waist with his hand, and I couldn't fight him.

He looked at me, his mouth was hanging open and his eyes wide.

"You love me…" he said lowly, examining my reaction. I nodded, my face undoubtedly full of dread.

"Like Rosalie loves Emmett?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowing and his eyes full of wonder.

I managed a nervous chuckle. I looked down as I sheepishly said, "Well, I wouldn't take it that fa.."

He didn't let me finish my sentence.

He pulled me into a very passionate kiss, holding my head against his and in response I crushed myself to him. Suddenly, everything was right again.

**Okay guys, I'm alive! I'm not gonna pull a Stephenie Meyer with my other story either. I'm finishing it!**

**I'll post on Orbit soon! Promise! So sorry for disappearing, you know how it is. Love you guys! Puh-leeze review!**


	5. Yesterday

Yesterday

_All my troubles seemed so far away_

_But now it looks as though they're here to stay_

_Oh, I believe_

_In yesterday_

_Yesterday _

_-The Beatles_

RENESMEE CULLEN

I woke up the same way I had the past several days, curled up in a ball, pulled against Jacob's chest. I pressed my cold cheek on his neck, and it heated up instantly. His arms tightened against me as he felt me move.

Was he awake? He twitched a bit, and murmured an unintelligible word, his hand slightly opening.

No. I smiled. It was so sweet when he slept; he had the same reactions to me as he did when he was awake. I put my hand in his, and he sighed a bit, quieting again. I lifted my face to glance at the clock.

It was six, I had time to kill, and the others wouldn't kick us out of bed until eight. Unless, of course, my father heard anything other than the sounds of chaste kisses coming from my room, or he was just too absorbed in my mother to notice anything else.

I grinned happily. I would've been perfectly content, ecstatic, to just lay there with Jake forever. But, of course, it wasn't possible. _A girl can dream, can't she?_ I thought.

Jake's fingers tightened around mine as I moved around, and he mumbled something unintelligible under his breath.

I was always dumbfounded how small and innocent he looked when he slept, it was in such contrast with his strength. My smile widened as he rolled over, trying to pull me back on the bed with him.

"Nessie…" He whined, tugging on my arm hard enough that, if I were all human, he would've pulled it out of its socket.

I sighed when I heard my cell phone ring.

It was the theme from Twilight Zone. Alice's ring tone. Ugh.

I had to use all my strength to get out of Jacob's iron grip to walk across the room to my cell, but I made it, and watched Jake feeling around my bed in his sleep as I answered the call irritably.

"_What, _Alice?"

"You. Me. Shopping. Paris. You in?" she said the words so fast that I could barely catch them.

"Alice… I'm not sure. I…" I stood up, glancing at the still-sleeping Jake, and looked at my calendar.

My stomach dropped to my feet and I started shaking as I saw the date.

It had been so wonderful, so peaceful, the interlude in-between the two times, one passed, one soon to come, that I had to leave Jake. In my bliss I had completely lost track of time. Now, I couldn't prepare my family for my absence. I had to leave suddenly again.

Today.

It would take a few days to get to Volterra. I barely had enough time.

"Nessie?" Alice sounded concerned at my silence, or maybe she could hear my hyperventilation over the phone.

"I've got to go, Alice. I'll talk to you later."

"Okay," she said, concernedly. "Bye?" I hung up.

I couldn't help it, the tears started to fall as I watched the tossing Jacob. I couldn't believe I had to leave him again, even if only for a few days. We'd spent every waking moment, and most of the sleeping ones, together in this past week. I'd grown more attached to him than before, though I hadn't thought it possible.

How could I leave? I couldn't leave without telling them again, they were on the lookout for it now. But, how could I say goodbye? _What should I tell them?_

I'd have to give them a roundabout date in which to expect me back, and tell them I'd call them. The time limit would have to be higher that I expected, maybe a week instead of a few days. After all, the Volturi counted days like we counted minutes, they could very well decide that they'd keep me for a few more days than expected, and think nothing of it. They might not even think of telling me.

That scared me, when I really thought about it. When you're fighting to make it through a single hour, days mean a lot. That was how it was when I was away from Jake. I wouldn't take added time very well.

As I absently gazed at Jacob, I realized how little time I had. Half a day. I had half a day to treasure the happiness before I headed off into the dark.

I wished in vain that I didn't have to sleep. I'd had seven days, where had they gone?

Everything came into focus at that moment. I was wasting my time thinking, when I could be with Jacob. There was no use in being despaired now; I'd have enough of that when I left. I forced my shaky legs forward and sat down by Jacob's head. I ran my fingers through his hair. He'd cut it a few months ago, and now it was two inches long all over his head.

I lay down on my side, just looking at him. What could I say? How could I leave him?

Jake's eyes slowly opened, and he sighed, rubbing at his face until he sensed my stillness, a reaction my half-vampire body had to elevated levels of stress.

"Ness? Ness what's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said, responding to Jake's concerned question, "I'm just not feeling very well today."

"Do you want to stay in?" he asked, "I could tell your family you're sick."

"I…" I started "… sure."

I was reluctant to take Jacob up on his suggestion, but I needed all the time I could get with him. If I was going to be able to bring myself to leave him, I had to make sure that he wouldn't… go to drastic measures… if he got the wrong idea.

"Ness… what is it? You're not sick, are you?" He asked. So much for staying in bed. I looked down, trying to compose my eyes, so he wouldn't see the fear I felt. He touched my face and made me look at him. "Tell me, I'll understand… please? You know what happens when you don't tell me. I get the wrong idea, or _you_ do."

"Jake…" I made a spur of the moment decision, the kind that's usually remembered as either the best idea ever, or the worst mistake. "Jake… Jake, I have to leave."

"What? Okay, where do you want to go?"

"No, I mean… I… I have to go away, without you, by myself. Just… just for a little while."

He looked at me in betrayal. It was only a week ago that I'd left him the first time, and it had been torture for both of us.

"You promised… you promised me…"

"I made no such promise," I said. "Jake… Jake it's different this time, okay? We know how we feel about each other. We can talk every day, I promise, it's just, I have to go."

"Why? _Why_ are you leaving?"

I took something that was real, a truth, and bent it, made it my lie. I twisted the truth and made it ugly and convoluted… it made me almost sick to tell him that I would leave him for my own needs, but even the ugly lie was easier than the truth this time.

"Jake… Jake this is all too much. Too much emotion, too much change… I grow at an accelerated rate, Jake, I'm… not sure about anything and I just need to think. It's just way too fast and all of this added on its just chaos, I can't think… I just need to be away. A week. Just give me a week. Then I'll come back."

"A _week?_" he asked, his eyes widening at the idea of that much time away from each other.

_I know, Jake._ I thought. I felt the same way. He was my life. What would I be like over a prolonged amount of time without him by my side? Would I lose my sense of meaning altogether?

Inside I was breaking. It was a new kind of panic, what I was experiencing in that moment. I'd never been in so much passionate pain in my life. It was so strong I felt like it was literally tearing me apart. Hurting him like this hurt me more than he could ever know…

But on the outside I still had to deceive him. No matter how much it pained me.

"Jake, normal people take _months _on vacations. I'm only taking a week. We can both deal with that, right?"

"Ness, you, you _want _to leave. You _want_ to leave me," he said.

It was so hard. I could see how heartbroken he was at these words, so I couldn't help but deny him. Tell him that little half-truth again. This one wasn't quite so thorny; this one wouldn't hurt him as much. I tried to let that comfort me as I broke myself apart more and more with my deception.

"No, Jake… Jake," I put my hand in his and showed him how much I didn't want to go. "I _don't_ want to leave… I don't. I want to stay here with you forever, please, I just, I have to, I can't, and it's all too much. I want to stay with you but at the same time I just can't deal with all this chaotic emotion while I deal with everything else, I can't handle it. I need to… get myself together. Figure out what I want. I haven't had any time to think and figure out my priorities… what I want with my life. I know it sounds stupid, but it's important for me to know…this is for me, okay? This is my problem, not yours."

Jake looked down and played with my hands, something he only did when he was hiding something from me.

"Jake, what is it? You can tell me… you don't have to, though…" I looked down at the same time he looked up. I was upset by the fact that he was thinking something he felt he couldn't tell me. I suppose my feeling was unfair, I was keeping lots of things from him, but what reason could he have to keep his feelings from me?

That question made me very nervous.

"No, Ness, it's not like that. You… make me nervous whenever you leave… I feel like it's not yourself that you're unsure of, I worry that it's me. I feel like you're running away from me…" I looked up at him then, I wasn't able to stay away from him any longer. I slowly moved, tangibly feeling the weight in my limbs, the ties I had, and the threats over me. This trip to Volterra was feeling more ominous by the moment; I felt a monumental change coming on. I tried to count that as paranoia, otherwise I'd panic, and wouldn't be able to function.

Demetri had warned me that if I weren't in Volterra in a week's time they'd come get me. It would surely turn into a fight. I couldn't have my family be sacrificed because of my own weakness.

I slowly maneuvered myself into Jacob's arms, pushing my face into his neck. I showed him the nightmare, the fear of _him_ running away from _me _that was still so alive. My eyes tried in vain to produce tears. I wouldn't allow it. I had to have them thoroughly fooled. They could not know where I was going. There was no option.

He sighed and looked into my eyes. I carefully and slowly moved my palms to the wall behind him, so they wouldn't foil my bluff.

His hands found my face, pulling me to him, and he gently and carefully kissed me.

The urgency that found me then was without known reason. It was just a result of the terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, the hunch that something would change. I was fighting back sobs, choking, as I grabbed his hair and put my hand on his neck and kissed him with so much force, so much indescribable dread and need, that it was almost painful. My heartbeat hitched more than normal, and my face suddenly felt like it was on fire. This wasn't lust; this was heartbreak.

It took a few minutes of unintelligible thoughts, painful urgency, and breathless kissing that I finally realized the palm contact on his neck, I jerked it back, moving so quickly to the other side of the room that to any mortal I would appear to be just a blur.

I stood there for a moment, staring into space as we both caught our breath. My actions would have their consequences; he would be suspicious. I could not have him completely fooled anymore. He would ask questions, Jasper would ask questions. There was no easy way out.

"Ness. What are you afraid of? It's only going to be a week… right?" his eyes closely examined my response. He was staring at me with such an intensity that I couldn't help but look away.

"I don't know," I answered honestly.

A tear dropped from his eye.

I hated it, but it the words that slipped out of my mouth right then were the most honest things I'd said to him.

"Goodbye, Jake."

**I'm BACK! I've taken a big break from Fanfic, but I can't do it anymore! :) The characters were talking to me and driving me crazy!**

**Oh... next chapter should be up really soon... get ready for some VOLTURI!  
**


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